Why Parents Should Stop Talking About “Failure” and Start Talking About “Mistakes”
Most parents want their kids to be resilient, confident, and prepared for life’s challenges. But the way we talk about setbacks might be sending the wrong message.
We often say things like, “Failure is a great teacher” or “Fail fast, fail often.” But here’s the problem: failure itself doesn’t teach—reflection does. It’s not the fall that makes us stronger; it’s what we learn when we get back up.
If we want to help our kids develop a strong sense of identity and resilience, we need to rethink how we talk about mistakes, setbacks, and learning.
A Personal Story: Learning the Hard Way
When I was a teenager, I was convinced I was going to be a finance guy. I told my parents. I told teachers. I told friends’ dads, who responded with impressed nods and “Wow, responsible kid.”
The truth? I had no idea what I really wanted. I just picked a path that sounded good and stuck to it. Years later—after six internships, a college degree, and a sinking feeling that I had made a mistake—I finally admitted that finance wasn’t for me.
At the time, I felt like I had failed. But looking back, I see it differently. I didn’t fail—I learned. I gained clarity. The mistake wasn’t the problem; my resistance to admitting it was. The real lesson came when I paused, reflected, and adjusted course.
What the Research Says About Setbacks & Identity
- Growth Mindset: It’s Not About Failure, It’s About Learning
Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset shows that kids who believe intelligence and ability are fixed tend to avoid challenges. They see failure as proof they aren’t good enough. But kids who believe they can grow with effort view mistakes as part of the process (Mindset, 2006).
👉 Instead of saying, “You failed, but that’s okay,” try, “What did you learn from this?”
- Identity Formation: Setbacks Help Kids Figure Out Who They Are
According to Erik Erikson’s theory of identity development, adolescence is a time of exploration. If kids never experience setbacks, they struggle to build a strong sense of self (Identity and the Life Cycle, 1959).
👉 Instead of rescuing kids from every misstep, help them reflect: “What does this experience tell you about yourself?”
- Self-Determination Theory: Kids Need Autonomy to Learn from Mistakes
Research by Deci & Ryan shows that kids need three things to grow from challenges: autonomy (the ability to make choices), competence (a belief they can improve), and relatedness (support from others) (Self-Determination Theory, 2017).
👉 Instead of fixing the problem for them, ask, “What’s another way you could approach this?”
Three Ways to Talk About Mistakes Differently
✅ Shift from “Be Careful” to “Be Aware”
Instead of teaching kids to avoid mistakes, teach them to pay attention.
🔹 Instead of: “Be careful not to mess up.”
🔹 Try: “Notice what’s happening and adjust.”
✅ Frame Mistakes as Signals, Not Stop Signs
Mistakes are feedback, not failure. Help your kid see them as useful data.
🔹 Instead of: “Why did you fail the test?”
🔹 Try: “What part of the material felt confusing?”
✅ Model Reflection, Not Just Resilience
Kids learn how to process mistakes by watching us. Share your own experiences with self-reflection.
🔹 Instead of: “I messed up at work today.”
🔹 Try: “I realized I could have handled that meeting differently. Next time, I’ll…”
Final Thought: Words Matter
A surgeon doesn’t “fail fast.” A pilot doesn’t learn by crashing. We don’t tell CEOs to embrace failure—we tell them to learn, adjust, and move forward.
So why do we frame mistakes as failure for our kids?
If we want to raise confident, adaptable kids, we need to change how we talk about setbacks. Because failure isn’t a teacher. Reflection is.
Try This Tonight: Ask your kid, “What’s one mistake you’ve learned from recently?” Then, just listen.
Let’s raise kids who don’t fear failure—but who know how to learn from every step.