How Life's Hard Moments CAN Help Your Kid Grow

Critical Question Every Kid Must Answer to Build a Meaningful Life: What have you healed and grown from?

A few years ago, my friend’s son, Jake, got cut from the basketball team. He had spent the entire summer practicing, visualizing his name on the roster, and building up hope. When his name wasn’t there, he was crushed. For days, he barely spoke. His confidence took a major hit. But looking back, that moment shaped him more than making the team ever would.

Every kid will face tough moments—loss, rejection, failure, or even realizing their own limitations. The question isn’t ifthey’ll face them, but how they’ll grow from them. As parents, we have a key role in helping them process these moments, not as defeats, but as defining experiences that shape who they become.

Why This Question Matters

Many kids see failure as final instead of formative. They experience rejection or loss and think, “That’s it. I’m not good enough.” But research shows that resilience isn’t about just bouncing back—it’s about making meaning from challenges. It’s about developing a mindset that says, This is hard, but I can grow from it.

Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset proves that kids who learn to reflect on failure in a constructive way are more likely to persist in the face of future challenges. And that’s where you come in. As a parent, you can help your kid reframe their struggles into opportunities for growth.

Walking Through the Question: “What Experiences Have Shaped Your Growth?”

Using Jake’s story as an example, here’s how you can guide your kid through this question:

1. What happened?

   • Encourage them to identify a defining experience.

   • Example: “Jake got cut from the basketball team.”

2. How did it feel in the moment?

   • Give them space to process their emotions without rushing to fix them.

   • “He felt embarrassed, rejected, and like he wasn’t good enough.”

3. What did you learn or gain?

   • Help them reflect on how they’ve changed because of the experience.

   • “At first, Jake thought he had failed. But over time, he realized basketball didn’t define him. He put his energy into music and ended up leading his school’s jazz band.”

How to Guide Your Kid Through This Conversation

Timing is everything. You don’t need to bring up this question in the heat of the moment when emotions are raw. Instead, wait until they’ve had some time to process. Maybe it’s on a car ride, at bedtime, or during a quiet moment at dinner.

Model it first. Share a story of a time you went through something difficult and grew from it. Did you ever fail a test? Lose a job? Have a major setback? Your openness will help them feel safe in sharing their own story.

Help them name the lesson. They don’t have to find the silver lining instantly. But over time, encourage them to reflect: What changed because of this? How did this shape you?

The Takeaway

Your kid will go through hard things—but that’s not a bad thing. With your guidance, these moments can shape them into someone stronger, wiser, and more confident.

Ask your kid tonight: “Can you think of a tough moment that made you stronger? What changed because of it?” Then just listen. You might be surprised by their answer.