The Science of Mattering: How to Help Your Kid Know They Truly Matter

As parents, we all want the same thing: to raise kids who thrive, who feel safe, and who are equipped to build meaningful lives. But parenting teens today is challenging, especially when it comes to helping them understand who they are and why they matter. Research in psychology shows that mattering—feeling seen, valued, and depended upon—is essential to adolescent mental health, confidence, and success. This article breaks down how parents can help their teens feel like they matter and why it’s such a game-changer.

What Is Mattering, and Why Does It Matter?

The “science of mattering” is a powerful, research-backed model introduced by psychologists like Gordon Flett and Gregory Elliott. Simply put, mattering is the sense that you are valued by others and that you add value to those around you. For teens, feeling like they matter can be transformative, providing them with a solid foundation for self-worth, identity, and resilience.

In fact, studies show that teens who feel they matter experience:

• 30-40% lower rates of depression and anxiety
• 20% higher academic engagement
• 40% improvement in positive peer relationships
• 50% lower likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors

With numbers like these, it’s clear that mattering is more than just a nice concept—it’s a critical factor in healthy adolescent development.

Breaking Down the Components of Mattering

According to Flett and Elliott, three core components make up the sense of mattering:

1. Attention: Feeling noticed and seen.
2. Importance: Knowing that your presence is valued.
3. Dependence: Understanding that others rely on you.

These three elements form a framework for parents to help their kids feel connected, valued, and needed. Let’s dive into each component and explore some practical ways to bring them to life.

1. Attention: Noticing the Small Things

One of the simplest yet most impactful things you can do as a parent is to give your teen attention. This means acknowledging their presence, listening to their thoughts, and genuinely being curious about their lives. When we’re fully present with our teens, it shows them that they matter.

Action Steps:

• Make Eye Contact: When your teen is talking, look them in the eyes. This simple act can make them feel seen and heard.
• Ask Follow-Up Questions: Show genuine curiosity by asking thoughtful questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What happened next?”
• Notice Their Interests: Comment on their hobbies or activities. Whether they’re into sports, music, or video games, recognizing these interests shows that you care about what makes them unique.

2. Importance: Helping Them Feel Valued

It’s not enough for your teen to simply feel noticed; they also need to know that their presence is important to you. This goes beyond compliments or praise—it’s about helping them see the impact they have on the people around them.

Action Steps:

• Acknowledge Contributions: Tell them how they make a difference. For instance, “You really bring a positive energy to our family,” or “Your thoughtfulness is so helpful in our home.”
• Celebrate Their Unique Strengths: Every teen has a “superpower.” Point out their unique skills and qualities that add value to your family and their friends.
• Involve Them in Decisions: Show that you value their opinions by involving them in family discussions or letting them help make family plans.

3. Dependence: Reinforcing Their Role in the Family

Dependence is the final component of mattering. It means that your teen knows they have a role in the family and that others rely on them in meaningful ways. Giving your teen responsibilities and acknowledging the ways they help the family can strengthen their sense of purpose.

Action Steps:

• Assign Responsibilities Based on Their Strengths: If your teen is empathetic, let them handle conflict resolution or help with younger siblings. If they’re creative, ask for their input on home projects or event planning.
• Express Appreciation for Their Role: Say things like, “We couldn’t do this without you” or “You make a difference in our lives.” Let them know they’re not just part of the family—they’re essential.
• Encourage Them to Help Others: Engage your teen in activities where they can be of service, whether it’s volunteering or assisting family friends. Feeling depended upon outside the family can reinforce their sense of mattering.

Why Mattering Goes Beyond Connection and Belonging

Many of us focus on helping our teens feel connected and like they belong, both of which are essential but still not quite the same as mattering. While connection means knowing others, and belonging means feeling seen in a community, mattering is the next level. It’s the sense that your teen is both valued and brings value, helping them build confidence and resilience.

The Long-Term Benefits of Mattering

When teens feel they matter, the effects go far beyond today’s conversations or this week’s chores. Mattering has a lasting impact on their mental health, academic engagement, and decision-making, shaping their journey into adulthood.

Imagine a teen who knows their presence makes a difference—they’re more likely to pursue meaningful relationships, engage actively in their interests, and make healthier choices. Mattering isn’t just a parenting technique; it’s a lifelong gift that supports their growth and success.

Final Thoughts: A Simple Challenge for Parents

As a parent, you can start making an impact today. Think about your teen and ask yourself:

• What unique qualities do they bring to our family?
• How can I show them that I notice and value their contributions?
• What small responsibility could I entrust to them to boost their sense of importance?

Take a moment each day to reflect back to your teen how they add value. Not for their grades, their performance in sports, or their social status, but for who they are intrinsically. Consistently affirming their importance builds a foundation of confidence, purpose, and resilience.

Ready to Help Your Teen Know They Matter?

Mattering is a powerful intervention that has been scientifically proven to protect and strengthen our teens. If you’d like more practical tips, check out our latest podcast episode on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts, and explore additional resources on our blog.