How Parental Pressure Can Harm Your Kid's Future: What You Need to Know

As a parent, I know how deeply we care about our teenagers and their future. We want them to be successful, fulfilled, and happy. But sometimes, in our well-meaning efforts to guide them, we may unknowingly put pressure on them that does more harm than good. Believe me, I’ve been there. There’s clear research that shows how this pressure—whether it’s about college, career paths, or life goals—can actually backfire, leading to less success and even less happiness.

In this article, I want to share some of what I’ve learned, both from the research and my own experiences, about how we can best support our teens without pushing them in ways that hurt more than help.

The Consequences of Parental Pressure

Let me share some of the research I came across while developing the YouSchool curriculum. It’s compelling: When parents pressure their kids to pick a certain path—whether that’s a specific college, major, or career—it tends to lead to two major negative outcomes.

1. Lower Achievement: Teens who feel pressured to follow a path that someone else has chosen for them often lose motivation. They simply don’t persist as long, don’t achieve as much, and aren’t as successful in the long run. They’re not working toward something they’re passionate about, but instead, they’re trying to meet external expectations.

2. Decreased Happiness: The second consequence is that their happiness suffers. Teens who feel pressure from their parents to follow a path not aligned with their own desires are less likely to feel fulfilled, and ultimately, less likely to be happy. Even if we, as parents, are coming from a place of love and concern—whether it’s about financial security or wanting to protect them from hardship—the impact of that pressure can lead to a future that feels unfulfilling for them.

My Own Experience with Unintentional Pressure

I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of pressure can be unintentional. I know because I’ve lived it myself. Growing up, no one in my family sat me down and said, "You need to do this," or "You should avoid that." Yet, I still picked up unspoken messages about which paths were acceptable and which weren’t. Without anyone directly saying it, I started to feel like there was a narrow, more valued path I was supposed to follow.

By the time I was 21, I could see where that path would lead me—an unfulfilled, unhappy version of myself. That experience is part of what drives me to do what I do today at YouSchool, helping teens and parents navigate this tricky territory. I don’t want other kids to feel like they’re trapped in a life that doesn’t fit who they are, all because of pressure they picked up along the way.

How to Set the Right Expectations

So, what can we do instead of applying this kind of unintentional pressure?

Here’s where I’ve landed: Our job as parents is to see, hear, understand, and validate our teens. Instead of telling them what they should do, we should focus on guiding them as they explore their own interests, strengths, and desires. We need to be their mirror, reflecting back their natural talents and passions.

This means being genuinely curious, asking questions, and digging deep to understand what really excites them. It’s about being a student of your kid and helping them discover who they are, rather than trying to mold them into what you think they should be.

High Support, High Expectations

Here’s the thing—teens actually do respond well to high expectations. But here’s the catch: those expectations need to come with high levels of support. This is something called authoritative parenting, and it’s been proven to be one of the most effective parenting styles.

We’re not talking about lowering our standards for their behavior or engagement with life. In fact, I’m all for having high expectations when it comes to things like perseverance, responsibility, and initiative. But those expectations should be about who they are, not about the specific path they follow. We should expect them to be engaged in their own life, to take responsibility for themselves, and to live according to our family’s values. But when it comes to the specifics—like choosing a college or career—that’s where we need to let them take the lead.

Conclusion: Be Their Guide, Not Their GPS

At the end of the day, our role as parents is to guide our teens, not map out their entire future for them. We can provide support, encouragement, and high expectations for their character, but we need to be careful not to impose our own ideas of what success looks like. Let them discover it for themselves.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to set empowering expectations for your teen, I encourage you to listen to the full episode of the YouSchool Podcast. I dive deeper into how we can support our teens without inadvertently holding them back.