Why Your Kid Needs to Appreciate Themselves—Before the World Teaches Them Not To

A college freshman sits across from his advisor, eyes down. He’s not failing, but he’s floundering. His first B-minus sent him into a tailspin. He’s anxious, withdrawn, questioning everything. Why? Because for the first time, his grades weren’t perfect—and without those, he doesn’t know who he is.

This isn’t rare. It’s happening all over. Good kids, bright kids, well-loved kids leaving home with resumes full of achievement—but zero inner foundation. They know how to perform, but not how to reflect. And when the applause fades, they have no inner voice that says:
“I like who I am. I appreciate myself.”

Why This Question Matters

We ask our kids about their grades, their goals, their behavior. But we rarely ask them to name what they appreciate about themselves—not what they’re good at, but what they value in who they are.

According to Critical Foundations, a meaningful life is built on three pillars: identity, purpose, and belonging. Inner acceptance—appreciating who you are without needing to prove it—is a cornerstone of identity.

Without it, kids become dependent on external validation. They chase praise, avoid failure, and lose touch with who they really are. They live like actors, performing for approval instead of living from a grounded sense of self-worth.

The Stakes Are High

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that kids with a positive self-view are more resilient, less anxious, and more likely to take healthy risks. When a kid can’t name what they appreciate about themselves, it’s not just about self-esteem—it’s about emotional survival. Without a stable inner compass, the first failure, rejection, or hard season can shake them to the core.

So, what can you do about it?

3 Things Parents Can Do

1. Model it out loud

Let your kid hear you name something you appreciate about yourself.
“I’m proud of how I handled that stressful moment with patience.”
It may feel awkward at first, but it gives them permission to do the same.

2. Ask the question—then wait

Don’t make it a quiz. Just ask gently:
“What’s something you appreciate about yourself today?”
If they shrug, try again later. The point isn’t the perfect answer—it’s building the habit of self-reflection.

3. Catch them in the act

When they show kindness, creativity, or resilience, call it out:
“You know what I love about you? You’re really thoughtful.”
Frame it as something they can notice and appreciate in themselves, not just something you admire.

Final Thought

Your kid is watching you. Listening, even when they pretend not to be. And they’re building an inner voice—bit by bit—based on the messages they absorb.

Make sure one of those messages sounds like this:
“You don’t have to earn your worth. You already have it.”

Want a simple way to start the conversation? Tonight, ask your kid:
“What’s one thing you appreciate about who you are?”
Then just…listen.