Helping Your Teen Pursue Goals That Truly Matter

As parents, we want the best for our teens. We hope they’ll choose goals and activities that help them grow and find meaning, not just tick boxes or chase external rewards. But what happens when their motivation feels off—when their pursuits seem more about pleasing others than finding joy?

Many teens fall into what I call “the trap of external motivation.” Maybe your teen is pushing for grades, playing a sport, or joining a club because it looks good on a college application or because they don’t want to let you down. While those things might lead to short-term success, the long-term cost can be burnout, stress, and a sense of emptiness.

There’s a better way to approach motivation, and it’s grounded in the concept of self-concordance. This research-backed theory explains why some goals energize and fulfill us while others drain us. The key is helping our kids align their goals with who they really are—their values, passions, and unique interests.

The Two Types of Motivation

Motivation can be boiled down into two categories: controlled and autonomous.

Controlled motivations are driven by external pressures or internalized guilt. Teens may pursue goals because they feel like they “should” or “have to.” This could look like staying in a sport they no longer enjoy, pushing through AP classes to meet expectations, or choosing activities that their peers value. While these motivations can provide a short-term boost, they often leave teens feeling disconnected and unsatisfied.

Autonomous motivations, on the other hand, come from within. These goals are meaningful, self-endorsed, and aligned with a teen’s identity. A teen might study for a test because they value learning or play a sport because it genuinely excites them. When goals come from a place of autonomy, teens are more likely to persist, achieve, and feel fulfilled.

How Parents Can Support Autonomous Motivation

So, how do we help our teens shift toward goals that truly matter to them?

1. Encourage Self-Reflection: Ask open-ended questions like, “What excites you about this activity?” or “When do you feel most yourself?” Pay attention to what lights them up and name it for them: “I notice you always talk about that with excitement.”

2. Focus on Process, Not Outcomes: Celebrate effort and curiosity over results. Avoid framing success as meeting external expectations like grades or trophies. Instead, highlight growth, learning, and personal discovery.

3. Mirror Their Interests Without Pushing: Be a neutral observer of your teen’s interests. Instead of steering them toward what you think is best, reflect on what you see: “I’ve noticed you light up when you’re working on that art project.” Let them take the lead.

4. Model Authentic Motivation: Share your own struggles and successes with finding meaningful goals. Talk openly about choices you’ve made to align your life with your values, even if it meant letting go of something others expected of you.

Why This Matters

Teenagers are at a critical stage of forming their identity. Guiding them toward autonomous motivation helps them develop self-awareness and learn to choose goals that align with their unique values and interests. This sets the foundation for a life of purpose, resilience, and fulfillment.

By teaching your teen to recognize the “why” behind their actions, you’re giving them a tool they’ll use for the rest of their life: an internal compass to navigate what truly matters.