Reframing Struggle: Teaching Your Kid Grit

Ever heard your kid say, “I’m just not good at this,” and then shut down completely? Maybe it’s math. Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s speaking up in class. Whatever it is, the second they struggle, they quit. It’s frustrating to watch as a parent because you know they’re capable of more. But here’s the truth: struggle isn’t what makes kids give up. Hopelessness does. When a kid believes their effort won’t make a difference, they stop trying.

Meet Mia: The Kid Who Avoids Struggle

Mia is a 13-year-old who loves to draw. Her sketchbook is full of intricate pencil sketches, but anytime she tries painting, she gets frustrated within minutes and quits. “I’m just bad at this,” she mutters, closing the paint set for good.

Her parents encourage her to keep trying, but Mia sees struggling as failure. What she doesn’t realize is that every skill she has now started with a struggle. The real problem? She doesn’t believe she can get better. And that belief is everything.

The Science Behind Struggle and Success

Angela Duckworth, who literally wrote the book on Grit, found that the most successful people aren’t the smartest or the most talented—they’re the ones who keep going when things get hard. Meanwhile, research on hope by C.R. Snyder shows that hopeful kids believe they can find a way forward when faced with difficulties. They don’t just wish things were easier—they look for solutions.

If kids never learn how to push through struggles, they risk:

• Avoiding challenges and sticking only to what’s easy.

• Developing a fixed mindset (“I’m just bad at this”).

• Feeling powerless in the face of real obstacles.

How to Help Your Kid Answer: 'What Do You Struggle With?'

1. Reframe Struggle as Growth

Instead of saying, “You’ll get it!”, try: “This is your brain getting stronger.”

Point out past struggles they’ve overcome (Remember when reading was hard? Now you love books!). Help them see effort as a muscle—every challenge makes them stronger.

2. Teach the Two-Part Formula for Grit

Duckworth defines grit as passion + perseverance. If they care about something (music, soccer, gaming), remind them why it matters. Then help them set small, manageable goals to work through struggles. Instead of “Be good at art,” try “Try shading with a different pencil today.”

3. Give Them a “Struggle Strategy”

According to Hope Theory, hopeful kids believe they can solve problems because they have a plan. Teach them to ask:

• What’s one small step forward? (Breaking big struggles into bite-sized pieces.)

• Who can help? (Encouraging them to seek support.)

• What can I try next? (Building problem-solving skills.)

4. Model Healthy Struggle

Talk about your own challenges: “I used to be terrible at public speaking, but I practiced.” Praise effort, not just results: “I saw how hard you worked on that essay—I’m proud of your persistence.”

Your Action Step Tonight

Ask your kid: “What’s something you struggled with that you got better at?” Then, help them name a current challenge and brainstorm a first step forward together. No fixing, no lecturing—just listening.

If we teach our kids to embrace struggle, we give them the confidence to take on anything.