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There's a second question that's always asked in an interview, college application. When we're trying to size up, should we be friends with someone? And we don't necessarily ask it this way. It's not a phrase you would use probably in conversation. But the question sounds like this, what makes you unique? You know, in the, in the world that we grew up in, one of the most important things when we're little, especially middle school, high school is this idea of fitting in. And if you've ever if you have kids, or you remember, this time, what becomes the most important is to avoid at all cost, rejection or ridicule. And I think it's a deeper survival instinct, because you know, the tribe that you've been living in the safety of your nuclear family is going to kick you out of the nest at some point. So you got to find a new tribe, you got to find a group of other people who accept you. And so at all costs, risking your identity, risking your sense of self risking even your values, we often make choices during those years, to do whatever it takes to blend in and to fit in. I remember a key moment in middle school for me, I was so proud one day to wear this new hats. It was a hat for the San Jose Sharks, a hockey team, I was into hockey. And at that point at where I grew up in Orange County, everyone watched and cared about Wayne Gretzky and the LA Kings. But my dad had gone to a brand new San Jose Sharks stadium to a game and brought him what I thought was the coolest hat in the world. It was light blue, black and bold letters. And I remember trying it on looking in the mirror, asking my mom, does this look cool? Should I wear this? And boldly and confidently, I walked to the bus stop. I think I was in seventh grade. And I'm on the bus and a couple my friends had cool hat, cool hat. But then there was this one kid kid that you always try to stay away from, you know, that kid. And as we're getting off the bus, he's right behind me this giant of an eighth grader. And he grabs my hat. And he looks at it takes it off. My head looks at it and says, where'd you get this? And before I could even say anything he turns into shows it to everybody. And he says I bet I bet this kid doesn't even like the team. He just thought this hat looked cool. And I just wanted to melt. I just wanted to do this with her. Because he was exactly right. I couldn't name a player on the team. I didn't know anything about the team. I thought the hat looked cool. And he exposed it in front of everybody. It's one of the worst moments we've all probably had a moment like that. Where you walk in, you realize you're wearing the wrong thing. Or you say the wrong thing. Or you laugh at the wrong joke. And that fear of rejection becomes real in life. And it's the worst feeling ever. But here's the thing when we try to fit in, especially during those teenage years, we try to blend in, we try to size up, what would be appropriate? What's the right thing to wear? How are we supposed to look? How are we supposed to come across? If that's our pursue? One thing we will never get? We will never get this experience of true belonging, which can only come from standing out. That's the irony, in a kid's pursued of fitting in. The best case scenario is that they'll find acceptance. Yeah, you can be with us. You can sit here, we can hang out together. But what you'll never get, unfortunately, his true belonging.
We settle way too easily for fitting in. And in fact, what we need to do is stand out. That's the key. The key part behind this to answer this big question, what makes you unique? Is this idea that you would own what makes you unique, that you would intentionally stand out. And it's not just to find belonging. There's a few reasons why. Why it's important to stand out. Belonging to others is key to feeling safe and cared for. When all we're doing is getting acceptance. We know deep down we're not really truly accepted for who we are, we're accepted for the ways in which we're able to fit in and keep the group norms and keep the group together and keep the group looking good. But if we step out of that, we won't. We won't be safe anymore. We won't be truly cared for. And that can only come by owning your uniqueness. It's through others that we experience and express love. It's not until we stand out and experience the acceptance true acceptance that comes from someone looking at us and our differences. What makes us different and says I choose you anyways, that's that's the foundation for life. And that's what we all want. Standing out actually strengthens our relations. friendships. Of course, we want to find things in common with folks. But it's in standing outs, that strengthens our bonds. Oh, you're different than me. You consider time different. You have different interests in Music and Art and Film. You care about different sports, you have different hobbies, you have different foods you like to eat that all shapes, and builds and strengthens a friendship. When you're able to own your uniqueness, that is when you can start making better decisions for your life. You can start organizing where your life should go in terms of work, you'll experience more joy. And most importantly, you'll live the life that you are supposed to live. And that's the key that's critical to all of this. So here's what you need to know. fit in is cool, but standing out is way, way better. And the fact is this there is no one else like you in the world never has been never will be. No one will ever know what it's like to be you think like you see like you act like you or dream like you. There's no one who will ever express themselves like you or make a mark like you. That's why the world needs you to discover own and express the standout you. So how do you do that? What's the process that you can go through to really understand, own and express what makes you unique, there are actually nine distinct lenses that we've discovered over many years, ways to look at your life, ways to look at what makes you unique, and start expressing your unique self in more productive, effective ways. And we're gonna go through each one of those nine, the first one we call the foundational year. And if you watched or listened to last week's episode about backstory, a lot of it is in there, the foundational you is the time and place of your birth. It's the fixed parts of where you come from. It's how the relationship of your parents started it is your ethnicity and culture. It's the view that your family gave you of the world. This is the foundational stuff that has shaped who you are. And you're the only one who sees things the way you do. And you know that when you maybe reflect and recall memories, if you have some siblings, and you start talking about a memory that you both were there you both went through, but you have different viewpoints, different memories, different experiences, and takes on that you might not understand at first, the weight of the impact that the foundational parts of your life have had on you. And that's why you have to do that reflection, it's simple. You actually start remembering, and recalling, retelling and thinking about these things. So that's the first one the foundational year. Second part, this is very unique to who you are, it's the biological you. Now you aren't a blank slate, you were born into a body with specific genes and DNA, and you come from your parents, and yet you're different, you're different in your parents, I'm taller than my dad. I'm way more athletic than anyone else in my past. Okay, sort of.
But your biology shapes your life. And in our culture. Unfortunately, we place a lot of importance on the external experience, external looks of us and you have had a certain number of experiences and reactions over life that have shaped how you see yourself and how you interact with the world based on your biology. Whether you were tall or short, chubby or thin. Whether your eyes naturally light up your face doesn't normally smile, this has all shaped you. And again, this is probably a very subconscious thing for you. But it's important because this is this is your life. This is there's only one person like you so reflecting to get to know who you really are through the lens of what makes your biology unique. It's helpful. Third one, the social you when it comes to friendships, nobody doesn't like you. The way you bring your humor or interests or engagement or moral code, to your conversations and interactions the way you care and listen and courage challenge your friends. That's all unique to you the type of people you're drawn to or not. That's the these are all the things that make up how you interact with the world. So taking some time to reflect on you in friendships, what kind of friend are you? What if people said about you and your presence? And what does that say about what makes you unique? So that's the social you The next one is the philosophical you what you believe in how you see the world, your values and principles and the convictions that you carry. A lot of times, especially in our early years, these are being formed. And they're unconscious. They're being formed, of course, by our family and our maybe religious tradition and our culture from where we grew up from. But it's also being formed and reshaped. As we go through life experiences, and interact with other peers. And be informed by other people outside your family or culture or tradition, maybe a teacher, maybe something you're writing, reading, but the philosophical you what you think about the world, what's most important to you why you're here, how the world makes sense, or doesn't, that all shapes who you are and how you interact and come across to others. So it's an important piece to look at what makes you unique. Next, we have the experiential you. And what we mean by this is that the moments and experiences that you've had, only you have had them. And again, almost like we mentioned earlier about siblings, you can have the same event, but experience different things through that event. So reflecting on how the experiences you've been through, have shaped your outlook, your perspective, your attitude, your warmth, or coldness, your willingness to engage with friends, or people who are like you or not like you, all of that all of those experiences have shaped who you are, and what makes you unique. Another one would be the creative view. I believe that every single person is creative, whether that's through specific art, medium painting, visual arts, drama, or not. Nevertheless, we all create things, we create experiences, we create conversations, we create agendas for meetings, we're creative. So in what way? what ways do you go about creating, taking two things and making a third? Turning nothing into something. Learning to reflect on your creative style, natural abilities, and why you create your motivations will help you realize your unique identity. The working you the ways in which you approach work, whether it's schoolwork, chores, folding laundry, or an actual eight to five job, it says a lot about who you are, obviously the teen years are can be difficult to examine. Okay, what kind of worker Am I how do I approach work? On one hand, it's so much of the teenage years are just getting through things, what am I supposed to do by what time, and you lay on top of that a group project. And you know, it doesn't really matter necessarily, except you want the grade. So it's a complicated time to really examine the working you but your first job volunteer experience,
watching how other people work, this can help you realize what makes you unique in your approach to work, which by the way, if you ever want to have a job, and in need to interview, being able to talk about your unique approach to work will be a really critical way to set you apart from other candidates. The preferential you what what do you prefer? What do you like? What do you not like? This, on many levels is the most distinct way we can tell that you are different than me. I've got a good friend who has a twin, identical twin, and they have drastically different preferences isn't that bizarre? And that's a big way of how we think about what makes them distinctly different from one another. This is a part of you, it's your makeup, it's your natural tendencies and bends, and learning to declare what you prefer. Have you ever been around somebody and you say, what do you want for dinner? And they say I don't care. What do you want? Isn't it maddening? You want to be able to understand what someone prefers, what they like, what they're interested in. And it's what good friends do we yield and bend and surrender our preferences to one another. But it has to go both ways. Finally, the quirky you what makes you really quirky, unique. Is it you like ranch on your nuggets? Is it gravy on your fries? Do you have to do certain rituals before going to bed or going to school or work in the morning? These are all the different parts of us and learning to embrace and accept what makes you quirky is a key part of all of this. So when we have an opportunity to process our identity and share What makes us unique? The best way to do that is in conversation, discussions with friends with peers. And when we do that, when we share, this is what makes me different. The experiences I've had the foundations that have shaped me, this is the ways in which I go about creating things or working. These are my preferences. When we express those things out loud. It requires courage, and vulnerability, the vulnerability that someone might not like it or accept it, they might scoff, roll their eyes, laugh. It's vulnerable, it takes courage to share what makes us unique. But when we do it, we can receive the mirroring and affirmation that we truly longed for, we can start experiencing belonging and true acceptance. And that is how we really form a secure identity, which is a critical pillar to building a meaningful life. For the folks that have not had the opportunity to have conversations about what makes them different from other people. For the folks that haven't been around a group of friends who've accepted them for what makes them different. They turn into people that still wander. You might remember that movie A long time ago, runaway bride, it's with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. And this woman goes from relationship to relationship gets to the point of being engaged and then leaves the guy at the altar. And that's the kind of the backdrop of the entire story. And one of the key parts of the transformation of Julia Roberts character is zeroing in on the fact that whoever she's with the way that she prefers her eggs in the morning completely aligns to the guy that she's with. And ultimately, what's uncovered at the end of the movie, is that she doesn't know what she likes, she doesn't know and have it, she doesn't have the courage. She never felt like it was okay, whatever, whatever version of that. She never really understood what she prefers what makes her unique. And it's not until she owns that as a character. That's when the transformation happens. Until then she's wandering, she's running away, she's lost. She's disoriented. That is a metaphor for everybody for all of us. So the foundation for wellbeing is having a secure identity. And that becomes a critical part of having a compass to lead our own lives and navigate through complexity. And so now is your time. Here's the question. We've given you some tools and a process. What makes you unique
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
