Scott Schimmel 0:20
Welcome back to another episode of The YouSchool podcast. I'm Scott Schimmel. I'm your host- chief guide is my official title at The You School. And today what we're gonna talk about is when bad things happen to good parents. And I'm sure I'm not alone that in the past few days as a parent, bad things have happened in your home and your family. And when I say bad things, I mean, a conflict, a fight, a kid that forgot their homework, a kid that showed up late after curfew. For us, we had a one of our kids not get accepted to something at school that they really wanted to get into. So, you know, bad things happen, things get triggered, you hear one of your kids say a bad word to the other kid, you see that they ate salami on the couch again, and there's grease all over the arm, whatever. I mean, within the last 24 hours, many, many, many, many bad things have happened. So what we're talking about in this episode is what we call broadly the parent challenge, we get into these challenging situations with our kids. And you might, maybe in other circles, you might call it like, discipline. And that might be how you search for it on Google, like, how to discipline my teenager when they talk back to me. But parent challenges are in our world, in the YouSchool world, bigger than that. It's it's beyond just discipline issues. Some of them require discipline, but I got a kid who didn't make the squad, and she feels crushed. That's not discipline. That is how to navigate this challenging situation, in this moment. It's when your kid gets doesn't get invited to a party, when your kid... you find out your kid's being a jerk to their friends, or they're being picked on by their friends. You're at a game watching your kid play in there, and they're on the bench the entire time. That's kind of what do you do with that? It's these kinds of situations and what happens first, that's what this episode is about bad things happening to good parents. We call it disorientation. Disorientation. So it's a it's kind of a nice benign way to say, when crap hits the fan, when you all of a sudden are in it, you're feeling it, you're you're in an instant, in a second, maybe it's a slam door, or a scream from another room or a text message that comes through, or an email that you find from the teacher. Why haven't you know, why haven't they turned in the last four homework assignments? Disorientation. In other words, you all of a sudden can't think clearly, all of a sudden you're having a big emotional reaction. Am I, am I alone here? I don't think so. And what happens, what we can kind of pull apart are three things in this disorientation. Number one, you're having a physical response, a physical response, your brain has just gone to the fight or flight mode, your brain because of this stress because of this fear, because of this potential threat, your well intentioned, well designed brain has turned off the thinking parts and turned on the part that helps you fight it out, run away from the problem, or absolutely just might get paralyzed. So something physically has happened to you. Secondly, emotional. You have had an emotional trigger. And likely it has layers, likely you're not quite able to understand it at first, but in an instant, a split second, you're having an emotional reaction. Third, you're likely having an historical reaction as well. What I mean is, whatever's happened in this current moment, this current challenge is bringing up for you layers and years, and perhaps decades, maybe even generations of history. All in the moment. The kid that doesn't make the squad reminds you - implicitly because it's baked into your memory - of the time you didn't make the squad and how hard that was for you. How lonely and rejected you felt during your sophomore year in high school. And all of a sudden that is blaring into your emotional and physical responses. And you're no longer trying to help your kid deal with their grief or their sense of loss or their own disorientation. You are now in it. That 15 year old inside of you who never really got over it is now putting up their dukes and fighting the way you wish you could have fought back then. I mean, it's kind of intense. It's kind of insane what happens in a parent challenge when you're disoriented. Now, here's, here's the specific tool and tip that I want to share with you. And it's this phrase that comes from Dan Siegel, who's a UCLA researcher, psychotherapist author, he's written a ton of books on parenting. He's a guy that I've learned tremendous amounts, books, he's on tons of podcasts, YouTube videos, and he's got these phrases. And one of them, one of the core phrases and techniques that he teaches, is this- Name it to tame it. It's actually fascinating. I'm going to show on the screen if you're watching. He is citing research where people have been put under what's called the functional MRI machine. So they were able to watch and see what happens to their brains in real time while they're awake. And there's research that when you put feelings into words, that's the that's the kind of the title of this research article. When you put feelings into words, it triggers and turns on, turns back on the part of your brain that was been flipped off when you were triggered, when you went into disorientation. And when you when you actually take the time to process and name- I'm feeling and it's probably multiple things. I'm feeling afraid. I'm feeling out of control. I'm feeling anxious. There's a part of me that feels sad. There's also part of me that feels angry. When you actually go through the process of naming what is happening to you emotionally, the part of your brain that you need to think clearly, to connect the dots, to solve problems, to be present with your kid comes back online. Now, there's lots of other things to do. Physically, there's breathing techniques. There's getting exercise to work out some of that excess energy, that over activated energy. Also very helpful. But this is a very, very simple way for you as a parent, in the moment when you find yourself disoriented, which is key- to notice that you're disoriented. To take a step back, take a few minutes, and this might come for you this might come through grabbing a pen and paper and a journal, this might come from you taking a walk with the dog, you might need to call a friend if you're more of an external processor and just talk out loud, and not just kind of process and complain. And then this happened. And she said this, but to the point of I just need to I need to need to find words to my feelings to my emotions. Because what happens then is that we're able to be present again, with our kids. So when bad things happen when you get to the disoriented moment, I know you're a good parent cuz you're listening to this watching this. Your opportunity is to name it to tame it. And if you can do that, and your brain can come back online, you can start thinking clearly again, and start putting things in their proper place you can fully be present for your kid. Oh, and by the way, you're going to be modeling for them an essential life, critical life skill for them, because they're going to be disoriented any second. They already are. So that's it. Quick episode. Name it to tame it. You're not a bad parent. You just got disoriented for a minute, and it's time to come back to your senses. Hey, thanks for joining in on The YouSchool podcast, we'd love to share with you the resources available on our website at theyouschoolcom. Not just articles, ebooks, worksheets and other podcast episodes. But specifically you should know about a free course we have available called The Real Me course. It's digital, it's interactive, and it will guide you to get clear about who you are in the great story you could tell with your life. So go register for a free account and get started on The Real Me course today at theyoushchool.com That's the you school dot com.
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