Scott Schimmel 0:20
Hey, welcome back to another episode of The YouSchool podcast. I'm your host. The only host, so far. Scott Schimmel. And maybe in this past week, even the last 24 hours, you can think of a time when you had a particularly acute challenge with a kid in your life. I can list probably 30 that I've had in the past seven days- from kid who woke up way too late to get to practice, to a kid who didn't want to go to school for testing, to a kid who didn't want to wash a car, to a kid who made noises and woke the other kid. I mean, just it just goes on and on, and on and on. And what I want to get into today is something that I've been learning that I think is maybe more present, foundational, almost obvious, and I am somebody who does this for a living, and I'm still blown blown away. What I want to get into is the power of connection. And I think it's a critical piece of knowledge that every parent and every educator and every coach, and everybody needs to have. This is like common sense knowledge about human beings that I don't think we give enough attention to at all. And it's the idea of how powerful connection is- great book, Lost C onnections. If you're seeing me on camera Lost Connections, Johann Hari. He's written a few awesome, amazing books, deeply researched. This one's particularly about depression and anxiety and the cure and what works. But there's a particular chapter about disconnection. And it starts off with his research project. I'll link the research paper down below. If you're interested, which I am. I read it. Super interesting. Here's the project. Back in the 1970s, I believe it was 137 adults were given- random sample of adults were given an assignment over the course of something like 60 days, so don't quote me on the facts here, quote me on that end result, okay. And those adults, were given a heart rate monitor and vials to spit into, whereupon they were going to test their cortisol level. That's the hormone, the stress hormone that can be detected in through your saliva. And throughout the day, they were each prompted nine separate times over the course of weeks, to at that moment, take their heart rate, record it, spit into the vial, record the time and then track how lonely they felt on a certain scale. So how lonely or connected they felt. And the results of the study, were really the first results of any research project that proved that people who experience or feel lonely, live in a constant state of stress. In fact, people who are experiencing and feeling disconnected and lonely have the same stress level as somebody that would be in a fight. Now, if you just kind of pull that back a little bit and compound that for people who feel disconnected over time, and they're living in such a heightened state of stress, arousal, and that means that many, many, many parts of their system- the biological system, in particular, their brain- is not functioning the way it ought to. It's not operating at a good place. In fact, they're probably not able to think clearly creatively through their values, they're not able to connect dots, they're not able to think through the lens of empathy or kindness. You just expand that out and it has debilitating effects on your overall well being, your physical health, your sleep, I mean, it just has this cascading effect. And people now especially the Surgeon General, it will I'll talk about this in coming episodes are recognizing how much of a problem loneliness, isolation, disconnection are as a root cause I think we used to look at maybe obesity or smoking as these like root causes of almost everything. And now, the researchers are looking at, which started decades ago, looking at social connection and disconnection as just a root cause of everything. Now let's talk about kids. Kids who were trying to separate intentionally, developmentally separate from their- We call it a tribe, if you like that word- their family, their family of origin, they're trying to separate from that family over the course of adolescence, over many years, to find a new tribe to belong to. People that they can go off into the world with and will support them and care for them. And all of those teenagers are tuned in at the exact same time. And it's really, really difficult to try to fit in and blend in. At the same time, try to discover who you are, who you're not, and how to find acceptance. When you realize you're actually very different than one another. It's it's an incredibly stressful time of disconnection over years. Now, let's just take that as a lens, and recognize that so many of the problems that our kids have, and we have with our kids or students might- through the lens of connection- be a way to see what's really happening to them in a different way. So, couple ideas. When you're in a crisis moment, a challenging moment, check the connection. You might even want to repeat after me. When you're in a challenging moment with a kid, a kid is having a crisis or kid is having a tantrum, being shut down, won't respond, is being disrespectful- Check the connection. In other words, help them return to home base before you move to discipline or giving them a lecture or punishing them or even getting, moving away from them because they're difficult to be around. See if you can help them connect back to home base, which would be probably you. Re-, help them reconnect be intentional about connection first. Basic stuff. This is kind of a maybe a no brainer, in some ways to you and it is to me but I think as I dive deeper into the neuroscience, the biology effects of loneliness and disconnection, I'm, I'm shocked at how it's so pervasive over everything. So, extremely simple context today, what does it look like for you to help them reconnect with you? And then to be thoughtful about helping them reconnect with some friends? How do you talk about that, make that your first move- connection, which will help them deregulate the stress, help them feel present and safe. So that they can be authentic and honest and real. The best version of themselves and vulnerable, all that lovely stuff comes after connection. So check the connection. The power of connection is huge. And I'd love to hear what you're learning. Send me a note, make a comment. And we'll talk next week. Hey, thanks for joining in on The YouSchool podcast, we'd love to share with you the resources available on our website at theyouschool.com. Not just articles, ebooks, worksheets and other podcast episodes, but specifically you should know about a free course we have available called The Real Me course. It's digital, it's interactive, and it'll guide you to get clear about who you are in a great story you can tell with your life. So go register for free account and get started on The Real Me course today at theyouschool.com. That's the you school dot com.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
