Scott Schimmel 0:21
Hey there, well a big event in our home yesterday, our son, our oldest of three kids, turn 17. So we spent, we spent some time yesterday, exploring some pictures and some videos, talking about his birth and all that stuff. And one thing that stuck out to me was how young my wife and I looked, when he was born. We were children. Now- by the way, that's an overstatement- we were 26, just turned 26 years old. But we looked like children, we look like babies. And I can remember the the feeling that I had when when they gave us the baby, and told us it was time to go home. I just remember thinking like, "What are you talking about?" We are not, I've never touched a baby until my own child. I mean, seriously, I've never held a baby, changed a diaper. So we've been having this conversation around the idea that there is no certificate, there's no training, there's no school for parenting. How come? We got a certifications for everything. They wouldn't let a barista make a, make espresso without training, but you can you can take a baby home. It's kind of insanity. So what I've been doing is searching for for I mean, for really a decade now, but very specifically, the last few months of the most researched, evidence-based effective parenting style. And I found it. That's what this episode is about. That's what this conversation is going to get into, I'm going to share a really simple model that I think could help you assess how effective you are being as a parent. Because I don't know about you, I don't want to wait 20 to 25 years to find out if I didn't give my kids what they needed. That, I want to figure that out. Now, I get feedback about how many steps I've taken my heart rate, I get feedback from my banks, all of them. I get feedback constantly about my screen time, about coupons that are available, but we don't get any feedback as parents except for maybe eye rolls. Usually the feedback we get is hard to decode. It's hard to decipher. If your kid doesn't like what's for dinner, does that mean you're a bad parent? If your kid doesn't turn their homework on time, does that mean you failed them? If your kid doesn't want to take out the trash, or look an adult in the eye and have a conversation, does that mean you've blown it? I don't know. Maybe. But we're going to get into that. What we're going to talk about is the term the research term is called authoritative parenting. And I want to talk about a dynamic and if you're watching this, this is going to be helpful. If you're not, that's okay, look for the notes. But the authoritative parenting style is the most effective parenting style. Children who experienced this and I'm kind of quoting here from some of the research papers are more responsible, able to handle their aggression, have higher self esteem, and are very self confident when they become adults. What it means what, we're going to get into is really the the mixture of two key behaviors- nurturing behavior and demanding behavior. There's different terms to use, I would say, a mixture of high expectations and high support; where on one side you're being very nurturing and caring and responsive and empathetic and, and relational, and on the other side, being more demanding, having higher expectations, clear standards, challenge. And by the way, if you're a teacher educator, this is the exact same training I've been doing, we've been doing from YouSchool for 10 years, about what kids need from educators, it's the exact same thing. That's why I'm so thrilled to find it. Our training, professional development training matches aligns completely with evidence based research on parenting styles. So what are you? This is this is part of this this conversation. Start assessing- Are you a little bit more on the side of. in your default parenting style, are you more on the side of being nurturing, caring, empathetic, or a little bit more on the challenging and high standards and high clear expectations? And if you have more than one kid, how do you kind of decode what they need? And and on top of that developmental thresholds of where they're at developmentally is going to shift what they need. Research says they need both. Well, let's talk about what happens when a kid gets neither. This would be when they when a parent neither provides clear high expectations, or much nurture or relationship. I would call it a disengaged parent. The term technically would be neglect, neglectful parenting- little nurture, low expectations, little involvement. Kids who experienced parents in this category do not do well. These are the ones who become incarcerated later. And I'm not saying that as a joke. That's that's the research. However you can, a kid really needs according research one parent to be high nurture high expectations. Lots of nurture and lots of care, you might you find yourself on that side of the spectrum. The great things so kids who feel supported and cared for by their parents, lots of nurture, lots of support, lots of empathy, lots of back and forth conversations- How do you feel? This is how I feel. Positive, positivity, warmth, this is a really, really good for kids. But what it can do, if you lack a balance of high challenge and high expectations, is I would just call it the friend zone. You get friend zoned by your kids. In other words, they might trust you- trust you with their feelings, trust you to be there for them supportively, but they don't trust you for their own growth. And ultimately, kids who only receive nurturing care don't receive the challenge from their parents aren't held to high standards grow up to become adults with low self esteem, because the implicit message is you love me, but you don't believe in me. That's a problem. You don't believe in me. That inner confidence that comes from parents who say I expect more from you, you have greater potential than what you're showing now. Oh. Now let's talk about the other side, high standards, high pressure, high accountability, demanding what that turns into, if that's all a kid gets it, it doesn't go that well. It's a kid who braces themselves around their parents. It's the experience that nothing is ever good enough. You have to kind of hide, hide the feeling side of you. Don't let them see you sweat. You only feel good or only get praise when you're doing well, performing at a high level. Well, this turns into, for adults, research says would be likely high degree of shame as an adult, hiding, maybe even resentment, that doesn't go well for a long term relationship, that's for sure. Not much warmth, or connection. However, there are good parts of that. Kids who experience a lot of high standards, a lot of pressure to become become highly responsible, highly independent, achievers, self sufficient. Those are good things, right? But on one side, you're looking at the friend zone, the other side your looking at this kind of intensity zone, which is not really good for human development. You get a lot of emotional immaturity when you're just in the intensity zone all around. So what is the mixture of both look like? That's what authoritative parenting is. That's what research says is the best, where you have a mixture of high expectations and high responsive, nurturing behavior to your kid. It's where adults, the parents are role models. They also set out the behavior they expect from their kids and hold them to it. They have clear consequences. And they're and they're delivered with love and care. It involves- I'm gonna read a few things here- having reasonable expectations for your kids, when you realize your children need meaningful experiences and freedom to learn new skills. It's where you teach your kids how to handle and manage frustrations when they're hurt. It's where you're encouraging independence and self responsibility. Now, how do you assess? Let's do a little assessment here. How are you? Where do you chart on this graph? Authoritative parents tend to agree with statements like these- and you'd probably say like on a scale of one to five one to seven to what degree do you agree with these statements? So I'm gonna read a few. I take my child's wishes and feelings into consideration before I asked her to do something. To what degree one to five- five is absolutely, one is not at all. I encourage my child to talk about their feelings. I try to help if my child is scared or upset. I provide my child with reasons for the expectations I have for her. I respect my kid's opinion and encourage them to express them even if they're different than my own. That's different than my way or the highway. Get on board or get off. Also, here's here's a few more. Parents are judged to be less authoritative if they agree with these statements. I ignore my child's behavior? Absolutely or not at all? No. I bribe my child to get them to comply by wishes. Ooh, that's tricky. I explode in anger towards my child. I punish my child by withdrawing affection.
So there's a much longer assessment, I can help you find it, link to an online. But what we've found is authoritative parenting is the most effective parenting style that leads to greater self control, stronger moral reasoning, as an adult, higher self esteem, better behavior, fewer discipline issues, less risky, kind of less proclivity to use substances, higher academic performance for kids over time, stronger mental health, tighter bonds, secure attachment, and it's also been validated across cultures. So what does it look like to provide authoritative parenting to your kid, where you're balancing over time, nurture, support, responsiveness, care, warmth, conversation, as well as high standards, clear boundaries, clear expectations. This is what every single kid needs, you probably go to a default when you're under stress. And that default is likely either a mere reflection of what you got, or reaction against what you got. In other words, you might have got something from your parents growing up that you think "that was pretty good." And because you've never been shown another way to do things, that's what you continue to offer, or what you got did not sit well with you, and so you've made a concerted effort to be different. The typical classic one generationally would be, my parents were really hard on me. They just had high rules, high standards, I never felt warmth. So I never felt like I can let my hair down. So I've done the opposite with my kid, I don't want them to feel like I felt. So I give them lots of nurturing care. I don't want them to feel bad. I don't want them to feel like they're getting punished all the time. I don't want them to be scared of me. And as a result, you got friend zoned, you're getting friend zoned. You've got teenagers who treat you with a lot of disrespect, because they don't appreciate boundaries. You haven't taught them that there are our boundaries. So what does it look like for you to start learning how to lean into the other side? That's the challenge. I've got more to share with you. If you're curious, reach out to [email protected] I got some research articles if you're a nerd like me, an assessment and we're going to be talking more about this because we are all about giving kids what they need to thrive. Everything they need to build meaningful lives. Hey, thanks for joining in on The YouSchool podcast. We'd love to share with you the resources available on our website at theyouschool.com. Not just articles, ebooks, worksheets and other podcast episodes, but specifically you should know about a free course we have available called The Real Me course. It's digital, it's interactive, and it'll guide you to get clear about who you are in a great story you could tell with your life. So go register for a free account and get started on The Real Me course today at theyouschool.com That's the you school dot com.
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