Scott Schimmel (00:01.538)
Hey, welcome to another episode of the YouSchool podcast. I'm Scott Schimmel, your host and chief guide of the U YouSchool. And I know if you're listening to this, probably I would say the most important thing to you is the same thing that's as important to me. It's the health and wellbeing of my kids and their future success. And it's not simple. It's actually very complicated. This whole idea of raising kids who thrive in the world. And that's why we exist to give you the tools and the frameworks and the mindset that you need.
to be able to guide your kids to be happy and successful as adults. We care about their safety, but we also care about who they become and what they turn into, what they do with their lives. And we're trying to guide them through this world that is incredibly complex. What I wanna share with you today is actually a very practical and simple model that can change, I think, your relationship, your perspective, your interactions with your kid that can provide them with the foundation that they need.
to make the transition to adulthood really well. And what I wanna introduce you to is called the science of mattering. What I wanna explain to you is something that I've kind of circled around for years and most recently been digging into the research. It's actually a researched topic of psychology, the science of mattering. There've been a bunch of validated research studies on what mattering is and how when someone, a young person particularly, feels like they matter,
what kind of impact, positive impact they can have on their lives. also on the flip side, when someone doesn't feel like they matter, the negative outcomes in their life. And that's very, it's very stark. And fortunately, with just a little bit of insight and a little bit of direction, I think that you can boost your kids' sense of mattering in this world, which will lead to all the stuff that you care about for your kids. So are you ready for this? Let's buckle up. Let's get into this episode to talk about
the science of mattering. So what is it? There's a few researchers where the science of mattering comes from. I'm gonna link them in the show notes. Gordon Elliott, Gordon Flat, if I'm saying their names right, Isaac Prilaltensky, long name. What they've been doing is studying this concept of mattering as potentially, this is what I think it is, it's an intervention, something that we can do that we can intentionally
Scott Schimmel (02:28.278)
leverage like a lever and have a positive impact in kids lives. What is it mattering is a sense that you are valued and you add value. That's the real simple, super simple definition. You are valued by the people in your life and you add value to the people in your life. And if think about it, it's so obvious. It's like, as a friend of mine, Sean Parr says, it's uncommon sense.
It's right there. As soon as you hear it, it's like, yeah, it's a function of two things. It's feeling valued by the actions and experience of people around you. And we're to get into what that looks like. And then adding value. It's a sense that people are happy that you're there. They see you for who you are. They value that. They value your differences. They value your opinions. They value your presence and
You are needed here. Now there's a lot of movement and I've been a part of this a lot with schools to help build connection. The way I would define and this is I think a helpful way to think about what mattering is. Connection, connectedness, that's like the drum that many school and education leaders beat. We want our students to feel connected because there's positive outcomes that are associated when students feel connected. They come to school more often, they do better academically.
and their mental health is boosted. Connection though, I think is the lowest bar. Connection would be, and I think we all want all of this. I think we want students to feel like they matter. But what we settle for is the pursuit of connection. And connection really is a kid's experience of feeling like I know the other people around me. So you know your peers, you know the adults in your life, the teachers, the staff, the community of adults that are on a campus. And the way we train that with U YouSchool,
has been to particularly to train the adults, the staff, the teachers and coaches, how to open up and share their personal lives with kids. Because when a kid feels connected to the adult in their life, they show up more, they engage more and they persist longer and they achieve more. That's a good thing. But it's not necessarily psychologically satisfying. It's not enough for a kid to feel connected. Well, what's next? The next layer, and this is where I've spent a lot of time working on is belonging. It's not enough to feel like you connect
Scott Schimmel (04:54.444)
What a kid wants more than that is to belong. And belonging would be almost the other side of connection. If connection is a kid knows you and kid knows their peers, belonging would feel like you know me, you know the kid. And that, you know, the way we've trained that is by equipping teachers particularly to know how to do interrogation well. Questions, question asking.
how do you ask good questions to kids that give them time and space, whether it's through journaling in a language arts, English class, or it's an advisory homeroom class, or just in the warmup exercise for any subject that a teacher gives time and space for the kids, every single kid to share their perspective, to share their experiences and talk about themselves. And belonging happens when you feel seen in spite of your differences to others and you still fit in. So fitting in is really functional.
to both connection. fit into you. I'm kind of like able to blend in and connect to you. Belonging is the opposite. It's like, feel like I connect because you see my uniqueness and difference. And more or less, I've kind of stopped there, but I've always felt like, there's more than just connection and belonging. And that's where Matarion comes in. Flett and Elliott, these two researchers on Matarion talk about three components. The big components are, I feel like I'm valued and I add value. But underneath that are these three components of Matarion.
One is attention. I feel like there's attention given to me. I feel like I'm noticed and seen. One of my pet peeves of any social setting, particularly with kids, is when someone walks into the room and no one greets them. No one acknowledges their presence. And I remember even just observing that, especially when I was in college and much more aware of things. There would be a roommate that would come in and no one would even say, welcome home or hey.
People would walk into a social setting or sit down at a table. This happens all the time and no one even acknowledges that they sat down.
Scott Schimmel (07:01.556)
It happens in our workplaces. The same thing. Someone shows up to a meeting, no one even says hi. And when you feel like you're not noticed, you're not even seen, bad things happen in your life. You don't feel like you matter. So attention is one, importance is the next. It's not just being acknowledged, it's, you're here. You're here, we've been waiting for you. This wasn't complete without you. good, here you are.
But imagine if you've had experiences where you don't feel like people pay attention to you, or it's important that you're there. You imagine the loneliness, you imagine the sense of isolation, you can see clearly the connected dots to depression, to disengagement, to not showing up as much, to not trying as hard, to recognize this doesn't matter. And then the third piece would be dependence.
In other words, people need you here. It wouldn't be the same without you. You bring fill in the blank. You bring humor. You bring a new insight, a fresh perspective. You bring challenge. You bring a sense of values and conviction. You bring a sense of curiosity. You bring a sense of, what if we try this? Like you're an idea generator. You're a problem solver. You're a counselor in that you ask questions and listen in your safe place.
We need you here. Those are the three elements of mattering, paying attention, feeling important, and recognizing that others depend on you. There's some statistics that have come out from the research done. Teenagers who feel like they matter, and it's all sides of mattering, have 30 to 40 % lower rates of depression and anxiety. Man, with all the conversations now about media and cell phones and social media.
There's a real functional, clear way of looking at some of the sources of this problem. When you post something and no one likes or comments, it impacts the mattering, whether or not you feel like you matter. Another one, higher academic engagement, a 20 % increase, and better happens when you feel like you matter. Academic engagement goes up by 20%.
Scott Schimmel (09:24.436)
you feel a 40 % improvement in positive peer relationships. This is what some of the data has shown. 50 % less likeliness, you're less likely to engage in risky behaviors. We're talking about substance use, sexual behavior, risky behavior, that's how it's defined. I've spent a lot of time working with, in partnership with Natural High, drug and alcohol prevention program all across the country. And we've looked at a lot of different ways for...
how to reduce risky behavior for kids. But this is actually almost, it's almost simpler, helping kids understand that they matter. So how do we do this? And it's, the research has actually been shifting how I think about and talk to my kids. I want to give teenagers by and large some space to settle in, to kind of catch the whiff of the mood that they're in before I dive in with curiosity. But when they're ready,
we talked about this a lot in other episodes when a teenager is ready when the moment is right. And they're ready to share and talk I want to be attentive and present. And that looks like making eye contact active listening asking thoughtful questions and then what happened and who's that and how did you feel and why did you do that? It's it's being really curious about them. To secondly acknowledge
their contributions, be on the lookout for ways in which their efforts, their presence, who they are, contributes to people around them. So I've been looking for ways with each of my three kids to acknowledge and affirm the contributions that they make to their friends, to our family, to my life, to others. And it's just a lens to put on that helps me see my kids in a different light. And the most important part is then to go and say it.
you add value in this particular way. We can also help boost our kids' sense of mattering by giving them responsibility, giving them jobs in the family. And some of those jobs, I think we easily go to chores, but I think also there's some responsibilities that we can lean on our kids based on their uniqueness. I've got one kid who has really great and thoughtful things to say about things going on in the world.
Scott Schimmel (11:49.218)
I've got another kid who's very thoughtful and empathetic and really understands how to resolve conflict. I've got another kid who just brings joy and life and laughter. So to be able to say, when we have friends over, when we have extended family over, just, wanna encourage you to do that. People love it when you do that. You add value in your unique way.
And finally, to really affirm that sense of there being individuals, different, unique. So I want you to feel like you're valuable and I want you to feel like you add value. And those experiences that we parents can do and there's research that feeling like you matter to your parents, it's a protective factor for so many of the things that we care about.
Mattering is foundational for a teen's self-worth, their right sense of identity, identity formation, and their overall well-being. Show them that they matter. You can do that, and that's an intervention that has been proven by science and research to have great impact in their lives for a long time. So that challenge to you is to think about your kid or your kids. What
Are you thankful for what are you grateful for? How did they add value and what are you going to do to let them know that not once but consistently over time they need that mirror of support. They need to know that they matter to you not because they bring home good grades or they perform well in a performance or in a game or in a match but they matter for who they are uniquely and intrinsically so be back.
with another episode of the U.S. goal podcast soon. In the meantime, check out our blog resources, all the past episodes, subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can get more videos like this. we also, a few parents have something called the start newsletter. Start being more intentional with the time that you have with your kids. We offer you a practical, actionable thing you can do every single week, whether it's something like this to affirm their individuality.
Scott Schimmel (14:02.134)
Take them to do something that they would love to do. Share a story, ask a question. We'll send you something unique each week. That's at theyouschool.com/start slash start. You could sign up and subscribe anytime you want. So give us a follow on YouTube, listen to our podcast, share it with some other friends and we'll be back soon with another episode.
