Scott Schimmel (00:00)
As a parent, I want my kids to want to do things, especially the things that matter. And there's a mixture of the things that matter from my perspective and the things that matter from theirs. And I hope those converge more and more over time. Really effectively, I want my kids to be internally motivated. But do ever feel like your kid is just going through the motions, kind of chasing whether it's grades or doing activities that don't really light them up? I know as parents we want them to succeed, but what if success...
feels empty along the way because it's not aligned with who they are. That's possible. And I think it's happening for more kids than we even realize. So in this episode, I want to help us step back and think about that. Think about your kids. Truly consider, ponder what matters to them. What lights them up? Maybe you've watched your kid push themselves to try to achieve something, whether it's a grade, a class, a sport, extracurricular. And then you realize later that they weren't even enjoying it.
And maybe worst case scenario, they're doing it because they feel like they should because everyone else is or maybe to try to please you in some way. Yeah, we we kind of start to wonder the older they get, are they chasing maybe someone else's dream instead of their own? I remember talking to a dad who was a former minor league baseball player. had four sons. Remember it all four played baseball at a high level, at least college, if not minor leagues themselves. And when I knew I was going to have a boy
I remember asking him, how did you get, cause I love baseball, how did you, how did it turn out that your kids, all four boys played baseball, your sport? And he said, yeah, you don't want to, you know, force them or manipulate them to, he said, you know, you're to want to remember this when they were around five years old and it was time to start a sport. I sat them down, you know, one by one individually when they got to that age. And I said, it's time for you to pick a sport. We want you to be able to choose what you care about, what you're interested in, what you're passionate about.
And so he said on one side of the table, I'd put a baseball mitt on the other side of the table. I'd put a baseball bat and I would say you get to choose which sport you want to play. And with a little wink, I got it. Sometimes we do it intentionally. Actually, we want our kids to enjoy the things that we we enjoyed. We want our kids to invest in the things that we think will be good for them. We have a glimpse that they might enjoy it.
So we pushed them to do it that's fine at first, but the older they get, the more that becomes a problem. I was talking to a mom recently whose daughter had been spending years already on a gymnastics dance scene. And at first it was just kind of easy and fun and full of just flow. It just was good for the entire family. But every time the mom started to notice that the, daughter would kind of dread practice, never talk about it and looked and kind of experienced more stress than excitement and joy. And finally the mom decided to ask, you, know,
Why are you still doing this? She said, I don't like it. But all my friends are doing it and I don't want to quit and disappoint them. And I'm worried I won't have any friends anymore. And what that girl is experiencing is this like what I would call the trap of external motivation. She was chasing a goal for reasons that didn't align with the inside of who she is, her interests or her identity. And that turns into burnout, stress, anxiety, frustration, certainly lack of fulfillment and really lack of achievement.
in that particular area. So the contrast would be to find something, guide our kids to find something that really lights them up. What we're going to talk about in this episode is something called self-concordance theory. It's a science-backed framework that helps explain why some goals feel fulfilling and others don't. Why some goals we achieve more in and others we struggle through. While some pursuits
or things that we strive for can feel like joy and play and a gift and why others feel like a slog. Self-concordance theory was developed by a psychologist named Kenan Shelton. Shelton, excuse me. And he sits kind of within this broader positive psychology field self-determination theory, which I've been talking about for months now and been researching for years.
And the theory explains why people are more motivated and fulfilled when goals that they're pursuing align with their true selves, their interests, their identity, and their values. And it of highlights particularly what I dig into in terms of content, it highlights two kind of sources of motivations behind our goals. On one side, we have controlled reasons and the other side, have autonomous reasons. And you can link here, you can see the link below to
an episode we've done previously all about autonomy and supporting our kids autonomy. So we're going to get even deeper in this one. First controlled reasons for pursuing goals. They're primarily driven by external pressure or internalized pressure. really control and pressure are the two key ideas here. These motivations can push someone to pursue goals that really don't resonate with their authentic self. And like I mentioned before, it can lead to burnout, dissatisfaction, feelings of emptiness.
even when the goal is achieved, you if you're pursuing something for controlled reasons, you will neither achieve as much because you won't persist as long or be as fulfilled. In other words, it's not good. So within controlled reasonings, there's an external motivation, which is, you know, the pursuit of external rewards, validation, approval, praise.
Maybe even financial incentives. know so many kids when I've coached little league or soccer will come up to me and say, my mom or my dad said, or my grandma said, if I score a goal today, they're going to buy me ice cream or pay me a dollar for every hit or. And the thing about external motivation, it'll work to get you a bump, a boost, but it will not sustain you. It will not stay long. For example, kid signed up for a sport just to impress their peers.
just to make their parents happy. It's a subtle thing, but external motivation is one kind of controlled reasons. The other part, which is a little bit trickier, the technical word is introjection. Introjection, intro, coming from within. It's this kind of motivation rooted in guilt or shame or the need to prove something. I can for sure relate to this.
A kid maybe joins a club because they feel like they should or have to, which are key words in order to something meet parent expectations, be qualified for a certain caliber of college someday. The focus is essentially on avoiding negative feelings. I'm trying to manage guilt by trying harder, try to avoid shame by putting my head down, not genuine passion or interest.
Both types of controlled motivations can leave kids feeling disconnected from their goals. Even if they succeed, like I've said, it doesn't really bring them much satisfaction. So those are controlled reasons. The other side, the good side, are autonomous reasons, autonomy. And that reflects motivations that are, another technical word, it's self-endorsed, meaningful to you, aligned with a person's values and interests, unique wiring and shape.
These types of motivation fuel achievement, persistence, satisfaction, and internally more fulfillment. In other words, happiness. Three types of autonomous reasons, one intrinsic. It's motivation based purely on enjoyment or passion. That's how I feel about golf. That's how my son feels about surfing. It's just, I love it. There's no need for external rewards to stay engaged.
You are energized by the activity itself. So intrinsic motivations, one identified motivation is another. It comes from recognizing the value of that goal, even if it's not immediately enjoyable. For example, a kid can study for a test because they value doing well in school and see how it connects with their future goals. That's an identified and that has to come from within. Then the effort feels worth it because it aligns with something that matters.
The third would be integrated motivation. This is kind of like what they would call the highest form of it, where the goal becomes a seamless part of your identity. It's identified motivation. It's a kid who's, let's say, passionate about something like social justice or climate change, who organizes a fundraiser because it aligns with their deeply held beliefs about saving the world, making a difference, making an impact.
In this case, it feels fully aligned to yourself, aligned to your passions, your purpose, your identity. It's a really, really good one. So why does this matter? Goals driven by controlled reasons feel burdensome. They feel depleting. You feel worse after they're unsatisfying, even if they're achieved. And the chances are they won't be. The other side, goals driven by autonomous reasons feel energizing. You actually feel more energy.
by participating in them, more meaningful, more fulfilling. So how do we guide our kids towards the good kind, autonomous motivation, while helping them align with their actions with who they truly are? Let me just share kind of an example to illustrate the difference. Okay, imagine a kid, your kid, deciding whether to join the debate team. It's not necessarily super common, but it's a concept, an extracurricular, it's an activity.
Okay, so controlled reasons from an introjection place, introdequate. I should do this because my parents expect me to and I don't want to disappoint them. So the driving motivation is to avoid discomfort and disappointment. And you just want to avoid that at all costs. The external thing would be everyone else is joining and it'll look great on my college applications. It's hard to say as a parent, you might...
Imagine your kid saying that and be like, sounds good to me, but it's real subtle. That's why it's so important to know the difference. Now, let me give you examples on the autonomous side. Intrinsically, a kid might say, I love debating because it's exciting to craft arguments and think on my feet. That's intrinsic. I just love doing it. Gosh, I get to do that. It's Identified would be debating will help me improve my communication skills, which I know will be a valuable thing in my career.
That's also from within something that matters to me. Something that's meaningful to me. An integrated autonomous reason would be I see myself as a future leader and debate is a great way to align with my goal of being a strong advocate for change. So all around the same idea of a kid joining a club can flow from very different reasons. Again, we want to help our kid learn to parse those things out.
to think, even to offer them, are you doing this because this? Yes or no. This? Yes or no. Or maybe even to the degree on a scale. Or are you doing it for these reasons? And you can help a kid have this internal compass over time, which is gonna serve them every day of their lives.
As you know, the teenage years are a critical time for identity formation, figuring out who you are and how the world works, how you fit in it. And goals are a key part of it. They're trying to figure out who they are distinctly different from others while looking for validation, acceptance, belonging, and ultimately feeling like they deeply matter. There are external pressures everywhere. From peers.
from authority figures, from coaches, from teachers, from college admissions, from social media, and teaching our kids to be able to reflect on and distinguish the difference of drives, of sources of motivation can be a critical life skill. So how do we do that? Step one, we want to teach our kids to encourage self-reflection. And we can model that before we even teach them this.
So asking them questions like what excites you about that? When do you feel most yourself? And really teach them to reflect and think and explore which parts of practice, which parts of the day, which parts of that game to really pinpoint. Was it this or was it that? Was it this or was it that? And then second step would be to shift the focus from outcomes to process. We wanna avoid adding pressure to our kids. That's unhelpful.
like perfect grades or living up to someone else's expectations or trying to be someone that you're not. Rather, we want to celebrate effort, curiosity and growth over those external rewards. Third step would be to help them identify their authentic interests. Pay attention to their hobbies, what they're talking about, how they spend their free time. I've noticed that you light up when you I've noticed you light up when you those are the kinds of sentences.
to say just a mirror neutrally have no skin in the game. I've just noticed and then allow them to affirm or deny. Like I mentioned modeling modeling, self-conquering in your own life to allow yourself the chance to externalize externally process something perhaps that you're doing for control reasons. And then extra credit would be for them to watch you make
decisions to align more to autonomous reasons. Like for instance, getting out of a commitment that you've made, quitting something, changing how you approach things. When we guide kids to goals that truly matter to them, we are helping them build a life of fulfillment, self-awareness, and ultimately self-concordance.
That's what this is all about and why it's so important. So I encourage you this week to reflect on this content. Maybe watch this again, read the article that goes along with this. It's on our resources blog page. You can find it in the show notes and then start watching your kid reflect on their activities. I want my kids to choose the right stuff and I'll never forget the moment.
when we were leaving a pediatrician's office and my son was 14 ish. He had broken his collarbone because he was mountain biking and is back during COVID. And right when his travel club baseball team was starting practice again, we just find these sort of safe to do so. I remember being in an office and the pediatrician said, so are you still playing baseball? And baseball was my sport. And baseball is something I coached and something we did together.
And it had been a few months because of COVID and because of his, his collarbone. And my son said, yeah, I mean, it's not, it's not happening right now, but yeah. And I could just tell there was a difference. And I was thinking about self-concordance theory. And as we're walking out to their car, I just turned them and said, Hey buddy, I just want you to know, I want you to pursue things that matter to you. And what I've noticed is that mountain biking is something you're drawn to. Surfing is something you just do effortlessly.
And if baseball is starting to feel like a chore, if baseball is starting to feel like friction, you might consider this being a time, a natural time to take a break. And he turned to me and said, would that be OK? And then I realized, there's some controlled reasons, and I wonder how long they were lasting. And I said, of course. And maybe that's something we could do again when you have kids coach baseball together. He's like, that sounds great, Dad.
And since then it's lit a spark, freed up an enormous amount of time and money. And he's been pursuing surfing because he's intrinsically drawn to it. And I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be prouder. So this stuff matters and how we walk our kids and guide our kids to this is incredibly important. So let's figure out how to help our kids learn how to be more and more self-concordant.
